What tipped you off? The sombrero?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
