I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
