Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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