is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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