Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
