I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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