You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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