This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
