He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
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How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
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I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
please don't ironically join a cult
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