I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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