Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
