Everything about him screamed your future.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
