I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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