He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
