just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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