There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
