Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
