Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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