i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
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But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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