ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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