This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
