Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
