He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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