but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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