I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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