The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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