I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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