I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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