once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
