I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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