I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
