do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
