I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
