Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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