no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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