I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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