Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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