I'm passing your future prison.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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