I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
