found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just found a bag of teeth...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
