STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
