that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
