dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Drunk is a universal language darling
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
