I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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