why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
