Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
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How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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