Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That accounts for only three of the penises
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
