goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
