Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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