apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
