i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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