All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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