dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
