So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
