I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
