Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
