She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
