it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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