Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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